Thoughts of the Mindless1

Tomorrow is a new day

2009-09-11T01:51:00.002-07:00

Well today didn't go as well. It was my all-fruit day. I did eat fruit but I also was craving soy chicken and soy milk, so I ate some. Then I cleaned out my car and saw a Taco Bell bag. It was downhill from there. I ended up having a cheese quesadilla and cheesy fiesta potatoes. I really enjoyed it. I know I cheated, but I tried to ride it out and couldn't. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm not going to let that get me down.

On an upside I went to see Rent at Nearly Naked Theatre. Amazing. And I got to see Sam again; it's been way too long. But driving in the city made me realize how much I need to move. Phoenix freaks me out. I need to live in the country.

Well tomorrow (or rather, today) is a new day.

It's been a while

2009-09-09T20:39:00.002-07:00

So I've started a new diet. What else is new? But I really need this one to work. It's going to work.
It's actually decent so far (1st day!). It requires no thinking really, gets me cooking somewhat, and is healthy.

So I'm going to blog about it! Yipee!!!

(oh and I love Glee!)

So it's comprised of 4 meals a day. It's do-able.

1st meal:
- Grapes
- Almonds
- Soy chicken

So I had about a cup of soy chicken. The nice thing is that I don't have to measure stuff. I just eat until I'm full. Well not full full, but satisfied. I think about the 80% rule. Eat until you're 80% full. I eat until I know I can have a few more bites but I don't need to.
I also had a bunch of almonds, yummy! And maybe half a cup of grapes. They weren't very good, they're almost a week old so it was slim pickings, so to speak. I found some decent ones, but I definitely need to get better grapes next time. Maybe freeze some green grapes too.

2nd meal:
- Cashews
- Soy milk
- Garden salad

I didn't end up eating the garden salad. I regret that now at 8:50 pm. I'll keep that in mind tomorrow (well actually the next day - tomorrow's an all fruit day). I just didn't feel like making it. I don't know. So I ate cashews and soy milk. Actually not as bad as it sounds. It was a nice snack of sorts.

3rd meal:
- Soy beef
- Hard boiled egg

I made my first hard boiled eggs! I made two, quite successfully I might say. The internet is a wonderful resource. I'll definitely have to add that to my usual list of foods. I love hard boiled eggs. And they were from free range chickens (Stephanie's). Then I had 2 portabella Gardenburgers. Very yummy and very filling. Sampson tried to eat it, but he failed.

4th meal:
- Scrambled eggs
- Mixed veggies
- Soy cheese

This was my absolute favorite meal! I scrambled eggs with sliced zucchini, mushrooms, and broccoli. Then after that cooked I sprinkled some soy cheddar cheese on the eggs. It was amazing.

It will be interesting to see how this works when I'm working. I was home sick these past two days. Colds suck. I'll have to cook before I go to sleep if I need to and pack it up for work. Timing will be interesting. I just have to make sure that I eat 2 1/2 hours between each meal, at a minimum.

The joys of ...

2009-05-15T11:10:00.004-07:00

What should it be? Life, moving, roommates, eating, birthdays, people...hmm?

I'm sitting here, on my 23rd birthday, at The Good Egg. I'm listening to all the noises around me and it just makes me wonder about people. It's one thing to have something left out because you don't like it, or substitute because you want a part of something else, but seriously? They have a menu for a reason. I may not be one to talk, but at least here I can say, "I want the Veggie Interesting." And yes that's what it's called.

I'm tired. I worked last night. Started out my night with a 9-year-old St. Bernard that came in with seizures. And not just the little ones either. Really big seizures. More like a ton of little seizures that were lumped together on top of one another, like agglutinated blood. Oops. Okay, that's fixed, now you can understand what I mean. Agglutination is on the left, rouleaux is on the right. Kind of like that. So I grab the valium, draw up 20mg and hit the vein right away. Seizures mellow a little bit. Set a catheter (Linda did), get blood in case we need it (hopefully not though because in all honesty, this dog is pushing it's luck at 9) and hold him on the scale/table/gurney. This dog weighed 130+ pounds. Huge. Nope, here comes another one. 10mg. Doesn't even touch him. They decide to euthanize luckily. Much better off.

Ok have to add this. Lady at the counter that I'm sitting at asked the guy she was with if she annoyed him. Is it horrible that I wanted to say yes?

Back to the dog.

Gave him another 20mg which finally took the edge off...for two minutes. So we just held him down, put a blanket over him. Put him in the room with the owners (on our scale/table/gurney), gave him 20mg more of Valium and then euthanized. The joys of being a veterinary technician.

I picked up my degree today from the post office. I don't have a good relationship with the post office. They lost my glasses and refused to take responsibility. They have lost many checks in the mail (causing late payments and overdraft fees). I don't have the little card that got mailed because I moved (next topic). So I bring my driver's license (which reminded me that I need to change my address with the DMV...MVD...DMV...ADOT! Ack blinding light from a car windshield. Stupid sun. So I tell the lady I have a package that I need to get but I don't have the card because I moved. She goes to look for it. Says I have no package that I need the numbers. Who knows where it is now. So I tell her that it's my degree. I tell her I don't know how they sent it, but they sent it. I keep telling her that because I moved that I don't have the card because it's packed. She keeps telling me that they left a card. We are so on different levels, she's just not getting it. Then click! Oh! You moved from this address. Then she starts asking me, after I'm annoyed, which house it is because she lives in the neighborhood. Right, like I want to talk now lady. Why don't I just tell you that I got kicked out of my house, had to move in a week, and now I'm considering moving again?!

So the move. Joey helped me move. Wonderful wonderful boy (though he insists he's a man...)

I found a place, right across the street that is the same rent. Nice girl. Two female roommates. I met the other, Melody, my first day there. First question out of her mouth, "So are you a member of the Mormon Church?" Now I have nothing against Mormons whatsoever. To each his or her own. It's just not my thing. And I'm good with that. But it was just really weird, like she assumed I was. Maybe she thought the other roommate wouldn't have a non-LDS roommate (they both are LDS). It was just really awkward as I stumbled through my I was raised Catholic but I'm not religious I'm more spiritual and I live my life just trying to be a good person. Awkward. I would just expect a question more like, "Oh, so what do you do for a living?" or "Are you going to school?" or "Are you from Arizona?" Which all followed later. Now don't get me wrong, they are both very sweet girls. But it's just weird how that seems to be the most important thing. So far, all of their acquaintances are members too. I'm not positive they have friends who aren't, which is so opposite of all the people I know who are LDS. (Who I absolutely adore, by the way!!!) Just weirdness.

Which brings me to the next point. How do I date in this situation? Part of dating for me is having a physical relationship with someone I care about. Not going to be possible at my place apparently. Grr. That's just a part of who I am. I'm more of the mind that you should test drive a car before you buy it to see if you'll be comfortable and like all of the features. Yeah, I just compared guys to cars. Gotta love it.

Then!

Time for back story. I board Marker at a barn in Gilbert. It's where I first met him. I have a friend, Stephanie, who I've known for almost 3 years. She is separated from her husband (who is a jerk) and they are selling their house before they get divorced. I used to live with him, but I got kicked out because my sleep schedule didn't correspond with the rare house showing schedule. So I moved. Because that one room is so gosh darn important! Side track. She moved to her friend's place and lives above the barn, rent free. She is supposed to get paid weekly, but lately hasn't been. Now the woman who owns the place tells her she can't have people (well boy friends (not boyfriends)) over because the husband will get jealous. But she can't have a life. So she might be moving out, back in with the ex. And I don't want to keep Marker there if Steph isn't there because the woman who owns the place is awful with horses. She puts fear in them, and I don't want Marker to be ruined.

So I'm looking for a place to live where I can keep Marker too. And I think I found it! But that means I'll have to move again. Grr. I hate moving. But it's only $25 more, and I'll have Marker right there with me. So worth it. And my own space. I don't have to feel like I have to creep around and not bother anyone (that's how I was raised).

I'll post more on the place later when I see it.

Now I'm going to go. Because I'm tired. And it's my birthday and now I want to sleep.

Yay Melting Pot tonight!

Don't things come in threes?

2009-05-04T09:30:00.002-07:00

You know how I've been saying a change is coming, that I can feel it?

Well it's started. I think.

I'm looking for a new place to live. My roommate/landlord is being a douche. He flipped out on me because I sleep during the day. Yeah. Lame. There was a showing of the house at 12:30 on Saturday. I worked Saturday night, so I needed to go to bed. So he said that this wasn't going to work & that even though Stephanie said that the people looking could schedule another viewing if they wanted to see my room, that the lease agreement was with him.

So I'm looking for a new place to live.

And then I just broke up with Matt. He, too, was being a douche. He wanted time alone, but not time alone to date other people. And all of this on top the fact that I brought it to his attention that he hadn't contacted me in over a week. I don't even think I pointed out that he hadn't talked to me without me calling/texting first in almost a month. So yeah, I was feeling a little unloved. I don't need much attention but I do like some. I'm only human.

I was supposed to pick his parents up from the airport. So I text him on Saturday, asking if I still needed to. He said he hadn't heard from me, so he had someone take his shift at work. I told him I hadn't contacted him because he wanted alone time. He retorted that it wasn't much different from before since I never called or texted. Yeah he was bitter. For some reason. Whatever. So after I calmed down, I told him that I wasn't going to continue playing these games and that I'd pick my things up on Sunday after work and we could go our separate ways. Anyone surprised that I didn't get a text back? I'm not.

I picked my things up yesterday. Probably the least emotional break up ever. He packed my things, I picked them up and we said goodbye. Nothing drawn out, no crying, no begging, nothing. Which makes me sure I made the right decision. It wasn't right. We had fun, but that was it.

So this makes me wonder what the third change is. It can't be my job, I just started. And that was already there before this intense feeling started. I'm not sure yet. But I'm sure I'll know soon.

Moral Dilemma

2009-05-02T04:45:00.002-07:00

So I guess it's not really a moral thing, rather a, "What would my mom say?" or "What will my financial advisor think/say?"

I'm debating back and forth whether to take the rest of the money (like $3000) out of my investment funds so I'm not living in misery and despair. People dying everywhere, happy birthday...wait...I turned into Michael for a second. I did have a dream about him though, weird. He's invading my body! AAH!

Ok seriously.

I know I should take it out and just deposit it in a savings account so that if I overdraw my account (again) that it will pull it from there and I'll be find (I'm find... Friends quote...quick name the character that says that!). Less worry, less stress, go to the doctor and get off these fricken meds.

But the little voice in the back of my head keeps saying, no that's there for the future. You've taken enough out of it. That's not what it was for. But that is what it was for. Yeah I have the angel on one shoulder and the devil? on the other. Going back and forth. It gives me a headache. I know the money is for a wedding or helping me buy a house (right...) or something. But isn't it also so I don't go crazy. I really do need it for my sanity.

GRR!

The day of blogs

2009-04-28T15:59:00.002-07:00

So I'm really annoyed.

Matt got home, and all I really want to do is leave. I told him something about what I was watching. It was that Kyle Busch's (sp?) pit crew could remove all 5 lug nuts on a wheel in 1 second. He wouldn't believe me. It's like nothing I could say could possibly be true. And he just kept refuting that I was right, even when he was watching it. Then when he realized I was right, he said, Well why don't they invent a machine that takes off all 5 at once? Like I know. So I told him to invent it. Nothing like, wow that's amazing, or really?? No, I couldn't be right...and when I was, it wasn't good enough. WTF?!

I think I might just go home.

Mwa haha!

2009-04-28T10:48:00.002-07:00

Ok, so I always get asked this starting in about a few weeks.

What do you want for your birthday?

Yes, it's that time of year again...
So I'm starting a list.

Things I need/want:
Car insurance or phone bill payed for a month would be nice (especially since that was what my mom would do for me once or twice a year)
Help moving stuff out of two storage units
Need to move my piano out of a friend's house in Peoria to my house in Gilbert
Julia Nunes CDs (lol, yes I'm a dork)
Dinner to The Melting Pot (unless I finally decide to go vegan...)
Running shoes

I'll keep adding.

Julia Nunes should come to Phoenix

2009-04-28T10:40:00.000-07:00

Go to Eventful.com. Type in Julia Nunes. Put your info in! I think you should!

I quit

2009-04-23T12:52:00.002-07:00

Here's my two weeks notice. Okay?

It just doesn't stop. It's one thing after another. Fuck.

I really do just want to quit. I want to curl up in bed, go to sleep and be done. I don't want to deal with it. Because it's just too hard.

I can't share these things with anyone else but one person. Because I honestly have a hard time believing that they would care. Just tell me that there are other people who are worse off. So I don't talk to anyone. I put on my happy face and pretend that it's ok. It's too bad I'm not gullible enough to believe the lies too. I try, but everyday something else just rears it's ugly head to remind me.

So I quit. I can quit my job, quit school, so why can't I quit all of this shit?

I just want to sleep. And I want people who owe me thousands of dollars to pay me back.

A new type of panic attack

2009-04-20T14:18:00.003-07:00

Actually, it's really not new. It's more like a long lost friend/enemy that I haven't seen for almost a year.

I can't stop freaking out lately. I don't know if it's the weather, the moon, my emotional/hormonal self, the time of year, the era, the wind. It's something though.

I'm in such a transition right now that I feel like I'm not moving. Really, I'm not, but something is. Change is literally staring me in the face; more like smothering me. I can't move but I have to, I'm being forced to, but my feet aren't moving. And to top it off, there are no directions, no treasure maps, not even a memo saying, "Oh by the way...this is where you're heading."

***side note: I was talking to someone online at a medical insurance chat, which claims to help you but really is useless. She said something to the effect of it sounds like your having difficulty finding the right plan and your concerns are valid. OH MY GOD! When will people learn that your does not mean you are? End side note.***

So I don't have health insurance. I was lied to by a company that offers health discounts and so they stole my money and really I could have bought my prescriptions for the amount of money I wasted on them. I can't afford my medications to stop my hormones and my period and the other one that stops panic attacks and depression and general anxiety. I've been forced to spread my medication out along a 2-3 day dosage, meaning I take one 150mg capsule once every 2 to 3 days, and then I take the next one when I'm feeling a little dizzy. Why you ask? Because the longer I can spread it out, the longer my $150 bottle of drugs last. Ok, maybe it was $130 but that's close enough.

I want this feeling of hopelessness to go away. I want to be happy again. Was I ever happy? I think I was in November, but maybe I was just drunk with lust. I miss that feeling though. I miss knowing that I can pay my bills. I miss knowing that I can afford to buy groceries. I miss knowing that my paycheck is going to cover my expenses and that I won't overdraw my account.

So because I have all this crappy crappiness going on, I cry. I hyperventilate. My mind races. I can't think. I see without seeing. I can't move, yet I rock back and forth. And the worst part of it all is that I can do absolutely nothing to stop it. I think that I should call someone, but instead my mind races with the thoughts of what the conversation will lead to. Will they say I'm overreacting? That there is nothing to worry about? Because I beg to differ. I feel like I'm alone; people say I'm not, but really who is there for me in those moments? I have no one. And it's my own damn fault. Because I keep everyone at an arm's (or a 10 foot pole's) length. I can't let anyone in.

I know all of this, but I can't fix it. Do I want to? I don't really know. Ask me again next time.

Annoyed

2009-04-16T04:32:00.002-07:00

I'm just plain annoyed right now.

I used to be sad, pissed off, depressed in a way, a little lonely, bored, irritable...you name anything other than happy and that was me. Now I'm just annoyed.

I get a bill in the mail saying that if I want to keep my benefits that I had with Kaplan that I need to pay $350 for Cobra, which is ridiculous because I can get health benefits better than what I had for cheaper. But it said that my termination date was 3/1/2009. 3/1/2009!

Now wait a second...if my memory serves me right, and I know it does because I told people right after this event happened just to make sure... I was told that when I was "allowed to look for other job opportunities" (aka fake fired) that I would remain an employee at Kaplan until I graduated. Now let's look at my paperwork that I just filled out on Monday...

Graduation date: 4/7/2009

Does that look like 3/1/2009 to you? It doesn't to me, but maybe I'm blind. Maybe they decided that March is now April and April is March and the future happens in the past and the past happens in the future. Did I miss that memo? I'd like to see a copy of it for sure.

I didn't get a phone call, a letter, a text, an email (and we all know that they know how to get a hold of me) saying, "Hey, don't use your benefits because you won't have any because we're terminating you!" So stupid me, because I missed that memo, I filled my anxiety medication prescription. And I continued to take that anxiety medication so I wouldn't have a panic/anxiety attack. Who would have thunk it?

Two days ago, I got a letter in the mail from Aetna that said I owe them $106 and some odd cents because I didn't have insurance when I used my insurance card at the pharmacy because I was told that I would have insurance until I graduated! Seriously? There is something WAY wrong with this picture.

And now! I look up to see how much I would pay for my prescriptions (since they will run out before I qualify for insurance at my new work) through this health program thingy I bought when I found out that I wouldn't have anything after I graduated (but wait, that was on 3/1, not 4/7...I can see how the 1 could become a 7, but not the 3 to a 4. I guess I'll have to work on that one). I look it up and my anxiety medication is $135 with a discount (WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT?!?!?!) and my birth control is up there too! That's enough to give me an anxiety attack if I wasn't on this medication. But since I'm drugged up all I can do is be annoyed. And feel stupid. And I wanted to go to the doctor to get my meds lowered, but now I'm thinking that I'm so not ready for that. I'm thinking maybe they should be upped and then I'll be in a lovely haze so I just won't care. That would be nice.

Because if I care, I can only get annoyed or depressed. And if I get depressed, it just goes away once I sleep. Which is nice and annoying at the same time. It goes in phases, I get annoyed that I can't be depressed about something longer than 24 hours because of my haze. And even the annoyance gets hazed over. So this is what it's like to almost care but not really. I just panic and then it doesn't seem to matter. But not in a "death is the only comfort" not mattering way, just a "Hey! You can be annoyed but it doesn't really matter because there's nothing you can do about it" way. And that's annoying.

Ah, the chicken and the egg. I think that the chicken came first because how else did the egg incubate enough to hatch. Damn that egg for hatching. And damn that chicken for being an incubator. I'd like to incubate eggs. Just sit on a nest all day, incubate. How nice.

Oh well. The haze is taking over. No more annoyance. Just cancel that stupid thing that the guy lied to me about (he said my drugs would cost me at the most $40...fucking liar). Buy a real health insurance policy until my 6 months comes up and enjoy the haze if I can.

Too bad there aren't any pretty colors to make it easier. I like pretty colors.

Epiphanies of some sort

2009-03-25T13:57:00.002-07:00

I've these epiphanies the last couple of days.

The last few years I've been at a "turning point" constantly.

I don't know how to explain it, but since about 2006 I've had this feeling that I've been on the verge of changing my life. I guess I have been, but that feeling never seems to go away.

I broke up with Michael & lived on my own for the first time. Feeling was still there.

So I decided to change my major again to Equine Science of some sort. Made plans to move to Pennsylvania in January.

Went to Oregon with my mom & Mark, decided to move to Oregon in a month to go to school before moving to Pennsylvania. Feeling was there, but I thought I made progress. Less stress, progress.

Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer 5 days after I moved. Wrench! Torn between Pennsylvania, Oregon and Arizona. Visited Arizona in December, met Joey. Decided to move back to Arizona. Feeling was majorly there.

Decided to go to school for vet tech in Arizona. Moved to Glendale with Joey. Progress! Got engaged, but was still majorly stressed at work and school. Feeling still there.

Mom started to go downhill in May, really fast. Stopped going to school, almost dropped out. Mom passed away in June. WTF moment. Major feeling.

Continued with school, Joey & I broke up, moved out. Major feeling progress.

Graduated, got a job, but the feeling is still there. I'm not done yet. Why is this taking so long? Am I not supposed to make a change and that's that? Grr. Where are my directions for life? Grr.

Ok I lost the other epiphany. Darn.

So I'm kinda freaking out

2009-03-25T13:36:00.001-07:00

I have no money to my name and I have so much debt. I have creditors calling asking when I can give them the money I don't have, making sure I haven't died. Ok people, I was out of work for almost 2 months. It takes time to recover from that! I'm still alive but barely. My account was just barely out of the negative but now it's back in. It was nice but short-lived.

I actually left my phone at home when I went to Matt's these last few days. Not on purpose but it is a nice break. Not checking the caller ID to see if it's some out of state number that I don't know. I have most of them memorized by now. Now that's sad...

And despite all this I haven't reached full freaking out mode. I don't know when it's going to hit. It usually has by now. It may happen when I have rent due or something. I don't know. But I'm dreading having to pull out a few thousand dollars from my investments (again). I wish people who owed me money would send me some of that money. It would help quite a bit. It comes to about $4000 owed. That would help a lot...